*Smiling Through The Sadness*
*Sammy has been suffering from some sort of respiratory illness now for about a week and I honestly admit that these have been some of the most blackest days I have had in my life for quite some time.
I first noticed something was wrong when I awoke one morning last week to what sounded like someone talking in a low voice outside my window! I layed there for awhile trying to get woke up and wondering who it was but after looking and seeing no one around, realised it was Sam.
It is the oddest sound I have ever heard come from him...and sooo mournful that it breaks my heart to hear him.
After listening to him make it for a few days now, I finally realised that it is completely involuntary and surely from the respiratory problems he is suffering.
He has also lost his voice completely either from a sore throat or that he is just too weak...even though he does not seem weak at all.
It is strange to be able to carry on a conversation with Denny or even on the phone and not to have him yell and scream as he has done forever when someone is "taking HIS time away from Mommy"!
I miss it!! I miss it so badly that I would give anything in the world to hear him yell and interupt our conversations and I cringe at the thought of all the times I got angry with him and covered his cage until we were done!
I am angry with myself for taking him for granted more than anything...That he would always be here and be well and be a part of my life forever!
I am also angry that, if for some reason, I may have caused this...either by all the years of subjecting him to our cigarette smoke or from the candles I've lit, or maybe even some cleaner I've used recently...or even from his cage being moved during Christmas to make way for the tree and being in a colder room.
I didn't pay as much attention to him during the holidays either. That sticks in my mind too...and all the nights when I would tuck him in and be too tired from wrapping presents or something to get him out for a few minutes for a head scratch and some TLC.
Sam is starting into his 6th day of anti-biotics and extra vitamins in his water today with still not much change and I feel I am running out of time and options.
Every night when I finally fall into bed I start crying when I hear him making the low mournful sound and am anxious in the morning when I wake up to make sure he has not "passed' in the night while I was sleeping.
I tell myself that when and if he does "pass" that I will try to be strong but I honestly cannot say just how I will respond. If he is in pain or some sort of misery then I do not want him to suffer just for my own benefit...but at the same time I cannot imagine life without him, snuggling into his feathers, looking into his eyes...the joy he brings me and the smile to my face when he does something silly...
*I pray that God will not take him from me just yet and that He will not give me more than I cannot handle.
posted by Lydia | 3:07 PM
